Final Post (God Willing!)

I can't believe it's been over 2 years since I last posted here, and almost 3 since my initial diagnosis. I've been thinking about making this final post for quite awhile, now. I've frankly been waiting because 1) I still have some trouble typing; 2) I haven't had as spectacular a recovery as I'd hoped. But, as my boss and friend, Mark, reminded me the other day, few people survive brain cancer - let alone 2 pulmonary embolisms (which occurred less the 1 week after my brain surgery) - and I have a lot to be thankful for.

And I am so thankful:
- to God for preserving me through my various trials
- to my family for hanging in there with me (I know I haven't always been the easiest person to live with)
- to my friends at church and at work who have given much needed comfort and support when I needed it m0st
- and to all of you who followed me and prayed with me through this blog.

Thankfully, most of my memories of being in the hospital and acute care center have mercifully faded into a kind of mental fog. But some memories are vivid:

1. I remember my friends from work coming to see me in the hospital a few days after my surgery. I couldn't express myself very well verbally. I do remember saying to each one, "You are blessed!"

2. I remember being awake for a few minutes in the ICU after my embolisms, with a breathing tube down my throat, and my wife telling me how much she and the kids needed me. That really made me want to fight to live!

3. I remember my family coming every day for the almost 2-months I was in the hospital and in acute care.

4. I remember my pastor coming to see me in the hospital and struggling to communicate by pointing at pictures on a laminated board. I even remember what I wanted to say so badly: "Turn off the light"! Seems so simple, now.

I still struggle with weakness in my right arm and leg. Though I do exercises almost daily, I'm still not where I'd like to be. There have been some set-backs along the way - I've had a couple mild seizures, a volvulous (a twisting of my colon which required the surgeon to open up my abdomen and perform a resection), I fell and broke several ribs.

And I still struggle mentally as well. As I blogged long ago, I was never the sharpest knife in the drawer, but I prided myself on being one of them. My mother used to tell me that no one would be able to take my mind away from me. But though she was right about a lot of things, she was wrong about that. God could take away my mind - or part of it, anyway.

The most obvious deficiency is in my ability to speak. I used to be so articulate - I am no longer. I can still write reasonably well, but I'm not as verbally proficient as I used to be. But the most frustrating thing is that I don't think as quickly as I once did. I simply can't make those mental connections. I don't make as many witty comments, and all those things that once came to me so easily, befuddle me.

I used to get excited when I could teach a class or give a presentation at work. Those days are long gone. I've returned to the venerable Gospel of John class - the one I was praying in front of when I had my first seizure - but I only teach once a month (it takes me a full week to prepare what used to take a couple hours). And I have to give a couple presentations to my superiors and peers at work next month, about which I'm apprehensive.

I take that back - the most frustrating thing for me is the growing distance I feel within my family. My wife has encouraged me to develop more of a relationship with my kids, but I know I embarrass them and they find me annoying, so it gets easier and easier to just throw in the towel and not try anymore. And my wife's patience ran out long ago.

God is surely testing me! It's so hard to trust Him through this trial - to trust that He intends this for my good and His glory. But I can tangibly see some things He is already teaching me:

1. I'm learning patience; I hardly ever raise my voice in anger
2. My faith is growing again
3. I'm learning to take my deficiencies in stride

Hebrews 12:5-6 teaches us to love the Lord's discipline, because He knows what is best for us, and passionately wants to conform us to the image of His beloved Son. This fact is not always welcome, but it is always necessary.

In many ways, I feel my greatest trials - and potentially my greatest rewards - are still ahead 0f me.

Back At Work Full-Time!

I've finally returned to work full-time! Hurray! I got all the "t's crossed and the i's dotted" from the insurance company (bet they're glad not to have me around anymore!).

The results of my MRI were fantastic! I'm cancer-free! That one "anomalous finding" was nowhere to be seen. Praise His Holy Name!

The results of my language evaluation were decidedly more mixed. The good news is that I've retained all my thought process; the bad news is that I've a rather marked defiency when I trying to think under pressure, quickly, or multi-task. I've been advised to make the most of my cognitive therapy, focussing on these areas, while keeping these areas minimized as best I can in the rest of my day. The positive news is that - potentially - it can improve, albeit slowly.

I've explained the situation to my boss, and he's willing to let me procede at my current pace, for which I'm very grateful!

Merry Christmas!

Belated (very belated!) best wishes for a joyous Christmas!

It's been about 6 weeks since I last blogged, and a lot has transpired. First, I really enjoyed the Holidays with my family. We had a quiet Christmas, but we had a New Year's Eve party with several friends and their families.

Next, I underwent round 4 of chemo treatments, starting Jan 2, and I just finished up round 5 last night. I'm getting pretty good at predicting when I'll have a "down" day. It seems like my worst days are day 3, followed by 1-2 down days about a week or so later. As I only do treatments 5 days a month, the second set of down days occurs well after my treatments end.

Next, I've returned to work on a half-time basis. I wanted to get back to fulltime ASAP, but my insurance company says I may need to get my doctors to agree. I'm sitting here, waiting for final word on my status.

Finally, I had a follow-up MRI on Monday. I'm awaiting the results, which should be ready tomorrow. I have a Language Evaluation at UCLA next week, and then Dr. Liau will read both the MRI and the results of the LE the following week.

Please continue to lift me up in your prayers! I know they're effective!

Chemo Treatments on Hold Till After the Holidays (Yeay!)

I met with my oncologist yesterday, and requested that we hold off on the Chemo treatments until after Christmas and New Year's. He said, "Sure! I have no problem with that." He explained that these "agents" aren't subject to a rigorous schedule - that reasonable delays are OK. So, I should be pretty much at full strength for the Holidays!

I also told him that Dr. Liau had recommended extending the Chemo regimen by 3 months. He must have been in an agreeable mood - he said, "I'd actually have no qualms about extending it indefinitely." I understand that as long as the drug is well-tolerated by the patient, there's not a hard/fast rule about when to discontinue.

I'm hoping the extra 3 months will do the trick. Though I'm not having any major side-effects, the fatigue is still significant hurdle, although certainly tolerable - especially given the alternative!

Positive Reports from Neurosurgeon and Radiologist

I saw Dr. Linda Liau December 5 and the Radiologist (Dr. Yamplowsky) the following week. Let's take the radiologist first. He basically told me what I already knew - that they thought the cancer was gone; and that there was just that one little questionable area to keep an eye on. But it was great to get that confirmation; Dr. Yamplowsky was the only doctor that even mentioned that "non-specific" region at all.

Now, on to Dr. Liau. She was very positive. She said she recommended another 3 months of chemo treatments, solely as a precaution. She said that 6 months - up to a year - was sort of the UCLA "standard," provided the patient tolerated the drug. So, that means I'll do my next round immediately after the holidays (if my oncologist agrees), then three more months after that.

She offered to write prescription for occupational therapy (to improve my handwriting, which she said was often the last thing to come back) and "cognitive therapy" (a sub-set of speech therapy) to help clear up my thinking a bit more. Of course, I said 'yes' to both!

I really like Dr. Liau. She's very calm, positive, and has a pleasant sense of humor, which was definitely on display in this office visit (I guess humor would be quite out of place in my previous visit). The first thing she said was, "My, but doesn't everyone just look so ... normal!"

She also was the only doctor that actually reviewed the films of the MRI. She showed me a couple images of the cavity that used be the 'home' of my tumor. I'm glad it got an eviction notice from Dr. Liau!

It IS Good News!

I had an appointment with my oncologist on Friday, and he said: "You are no longer on my worry list!" He told me the report was almost as good as I could expect, and not to worry about the non-specific finding - it was probably just a result of the healing process.

He said there was no physiological cause for my symptoms - leaving the possibility open that they are psychological, or are the result of some subtle damage they can't see. If the latter, he said the overwhelming number of his patients continue to experience improvement for up to a year, so there's good warrant for believing I'll also improve.

He gave me the names of some counsellors who specialize in treating cancer patients, and one appears to be a provider for United Healthcare (I'll know for sure Monday).

Meanwhile, I'm still going to see my neurosurgeon, Dr. Liau, on Wednesday. I'm sure she'll give me a good report as well, but I want to discuss my continuing symptoms with her.

My intention is to try to work through some of the confusion-related issues by returning to work part-time, starting Monday.

MRI Results - Appears to be Good News!

I picked up the MRI report today, and it looks to be good news! I'll know more tomorrow when I see the doctor, but if I'm reading it correctly (and I think I am), it's very positive. There's only one questionable spot where they have to keep a close eye on, but even that was "non-specific" (i.e., it was tiny and unclear).

Thank you for your prayers! They appear to have been answered!

MRI is Done! Now, it's all over but the waiting...

After a slight delay (and a change in venue), I got my MRI done yesterday at about 3pm. I was scheduled to be at Tarzana MRI at 10:45am, but I was literally laying on the table, about to go into the MRI, when the nurse came in and showed me a little instruction on the physician's instructions - "To be read by Dr. Bash." The nurse explained that Dr. Bash only works out of another facility! Fortunately, it was very close and they had an opening at 2pm. I felt better when I learned that Dr. Bash specialized in reading MRIs of the brain.

I made arrangements to pick up the films and Dr. Bash's report to take with me Thursday. I'm scheduled to see my oncologist on Friday, and Dr. Liau the following Wednesday.

Pending the results of the MRI, I *may* return to work on a more frequent basis as early as next week. I'm still experiencing some effects of what is aptly termed "chemo-brain" (even though my oncologist tells me the chemo treatments don't cause that particular side-effect) - that's why he upped the date of the MRI. But, if I'm ever going to ride this horse again, I'd better at least try to get on!

New MRI Schedule

My oncologist's office staff rescheduled my MRI. It's now on Monday, November 26 at 10:45AM. There's now a new venue, too: Encino-Tarzana Medical Center.

So, in the end, we picked up about 2 days! Yeayyy! But, this is what the oncologist wants, so I'm not complaining!

I'm scheduled to see the oncologist again on the following Friday, to find out the results of the test.

I'm also on the last day of the chemo treatments. About the same results this time - maybe a bit milder.

Rescheduled MRI?

I met with my oncologist today and he wants to up the date of my MRI. The reason for the new date is that I'm manifesting some new symptoms, or rather some occasional older symptoms are recurring more frequently.

I'm having trouble concentrating. The odd thing is that the tumor was nowhere near my cognition center - it was located near the speech center. The oncologist wants to review the films from the new MRI to see if it's edema (swelling) in my brain, or something of more serious concern.

Please pray for a favorable outcome, that it's just a little swelling (which can be controlled with medication).

Meanwhile, the doctor cleared me for another round of chemo treatments (he says there's very little chance my symptoms are a result of these treatments). Please pray that the third round (of four) goes smoothly.

Next MRI is Nov 28

My next MRI is scheduled for November 28. That will be a HUGE milestone! I return to UCLA for the MRI and the follow-up reading on Dec 4.

I will probably undergo my third-round of chemo that same week.

Please pray that both go well, but especially the MRI. Please pray that there are no signs of the cancer, and that the report will be absolutely clear on that point.

I Survived Round Two!

I got through round two (of four) chemo treatments. Now, I can rest up for a month before facing the next round. It wasn't too bad for the first couple of days. In fact, as I remarked to a friend on Friday at Ryan's football practice, I was feeling probably better than I ever had (since the surgery).

But gradually, I started having trouble expressing myself verbally. Sunday was probably the worst day for me, when excessive fatigue pretty much overwhelmed me.

Fortunately, my boss has been very understanding! He hasn't pushed me to do more than I'm able.

I managed to squeeze in a visit to my friends, Stan and Sara Jo, on Friday. We had a great time! Then, despite my weariness, on Sunday after church, I dropped by my friend Casey's house. Casey underwent hip-replacement surgery just 3 weeks ago, and he's doing so well! He was sitting in his wheelchair when I got there. He retreated to his bed (which is right there in the living room) soon after I arrived, said he'd probably be able to attend church next week or the week afterwards.

Stan, Sara Jo, Casey and a handfull of others (including Bob and Sheila, Augie, and Bob and Pat) have really stepped up to give me a hand (or, rather, a "lift" - making their cars available, when I couldn't drive myself). Thanks to you all SO much!

It's Back to Chemo Tomorrow

I'm going to undergo a second round of chemo treatments tomorrow. There are two more to go following that round. This round is 5 days on, 3-4 weeks off.

The chemo treatments consist of some pills that I take in the evening, plus one or two other pills to relieve the most obvious side-effect (nausea). As I mentioned in a previous blog, the dose will increase to a little more than double what it was during radiation.

Please continue to pray that I will be able to tolerate this new regimen without major complications.

On a brighter note, I'm progressing well with my work project. I plan to attend most or all of our staff meeting tomorrow, where perhaps I'll hear some additional assignments from my co-workers. It's actually kind of fun, working without any pressure!

Starting Back to Work (on a "no pressure" basis)

This week, I got clearance from my oncologist to return to work, whenever I feel up to it. I don't feel up to actually returning - at the moment - but I am eager to start doing SOMETHING, so I contacted Mark Van Holsbeck (my boss), and he jumped at the chance to give me some work I could do from home. Actually, Mark has been awesome - it was his idea that I talk to my doctor, for example - he didn't want me returning too soon.

So, I've already contacted some of you, and will be reaching out to others, as time goes on.

It feels good to be working again, even at this petty pace. It's also a bit more difficult than I imagined it would be. Kind of like blogging - it's taxing, having to focus on one thing for long periods of time (anything over an hour is a long period of time, right now).

Overall, I'm very happy with my progress. I gets frustrating, at times, but I try to let the frustrations go and move forward. With God's help, I finally am starting to see light at the end of the tunnel.

What the Radiologist and the Oncologist Had to Say

I saw two doctors yesterday: The Radiologist and the Oncologist. The Radiologist asked me where I'd gotten my most recent MRI. I told him at UCLA. "Fine," he said, "I want you to go back there in 4-6 weeks for another scan." So, it's back to Bruin-country! I don't have all the details worked out, yet, but I'm trying for the week of December 1. Dr. Liau will meet with me afterwards (probably on the same day) to review the scans. Please, PLEASE, pray that the scans don't show anything to be concerned about.

Then, it was over to the Oncologist. This is the doctor that's overseeing my treatments - both chemo and radiation. Radiation has been finished, now, for two weeks. I mentioned that, until the last couple days, I'd been suffering a lot of fatigue. "I'm surprised that it only came on after the treatments had stopped." "That's very common with brain radiation - and we don't really know why." He said I could hold off on resuming the chemo treatments for a couple more days.

"I want you 'clean' before going into the main chemo regimen. This will isolate the side-effects of the chemo and make it easier to adjust to them, if necessary."

So, as of this moment, I'm scheduled to resume 5 days of chemo next Wednesday. Again, if you would, please pray that I'll tolerate the treatments with minimal (or no!) side-effects.

Rehab @ Home

I FINALLY feel up to blogging again! Praise God! Here's a brief update on my progress:

For the past 7 weeks or so, I've been rehab-ing at home. First, I had two folks come to the house, but after 2-3 weeks, I started going to an outpatient facility. About that time, I put away the walker, then the cane. Some further movement returned - especially in my right ankle. This motion is necessary for driving.

Speaking of which, I ventured out of the driveway and left the comfortable confines of my block just yesterday. I drove to the local store and bought a subway sandwich (which was fabulous, BTW). My driving is cautious, but I'm sure I can expect steady progress there, too.

Most importantly, I FEEL pretty good. I still get fatigued, but the fatigue is manageable, and I recover more quickly than before.

That improvement MAY be short-lived, though. I see my oncologist this afternoon, and will find out the details of my resumed chemo treatments. Please pray that I tolerate the treatments with little or no side-effects.

Exhausted!

I completed radiation last Thursday, but have been really tired ever since. I'm not sure if the fatigue is the result of radiation being finished, or the cumulative effects of chemo. Fortunately, I get a two-week break from the chemo treatments, starting tonight. I'm hopeful I'll feel more like blogging in a few days.

When my chemo treatments resume, the dose will be more than doubled, but it's only 5 days per month! I don't really know what to expect with the increased dosage. If this is as bad as it gets, I can handle it!

Acute Rehab

They transferred me via ambulance to the Acute Rehab center that's closer to where I live. The first thing I noticed when I got there was that I had a private room. This room would be my 'home-away-from-home' for the better part of the next month.

Over the next few days, the staff came and introduced themselves. There was Mariane, Ngozie, and Sol who alternated days; Mary, Navon, and Regina at night. Physical Therapy was provided twice a day by Anne, Occupational Therapy twice a day by Julie. On weekends, they cut the sessions down to once a day, and these were provided by a mix of various folks.

Stacey handled speech, three times a week.

I have to continue to give "props" to my wife and kids - they were there day-in and day-out, cheering me on.

I made significant progress while there. The use of my right arm and leg returned - not all at once, but gradually. I'm still not 100%, but I'm a lot closer due to my time in rehab.

A Regular Room

They finally let me out of the TCU and transferred me to a regular room for a few days. I was in a room with a man who was undergoing chemo. From the sound of it, he wasn't having a very pleasant experience. He was getting the medicine intraveneously, and he was pretty sick. I didn't get much of a chance to share with him, but I've been periodically praying for him.

It makes me glad that when they started my chemo regimen, it was in pill-form, and the side-effects (nausea) could be controlled with a wonderful drug called Zofran.

My family continued to be able to visit me, which meant so very much to me. I also began working with some therapists (again). After two days, they sent me off to acute rehab.

Busy Day Today!

I awoke this morning, afraid that it was going to be like the previous two: Little sleep, lots of fatigue. They told me there'd be days like these, but they usually don't happen on weekends, when I get a break from radiation.

But slowly, I gained strength. I ended up showering and shaving (yes, there are days I don't feel like doing one or both of those), going to radiation, then on to physical therapy, followed by some exercises at home, and I topped off the day by walking all the way around the block for the first time since the surgery!

I'm a little bit tired as I write this - but it's a good kind of tired!